Brainerd Dispatch: Completely random slice of pop culture

1998 was the year of ‘Armageddon’

By JOHN HANSEN

July 10, 2008

This is going to sound kind of random, but 1998 will always be the year of “Armageddon” to me.

The most hyped blockbuster a decade ago was “Godzilla,” which used the clever tagline “1998: The Year of Godzilla.” But “Armageddon” was that summer’s best blockbuster, and I think the over-the-top tale of Bruce Willis and his team of world-saving oil drillers has been underrated ever since.

The headline on the negative review in my local paper said: “‘Armageddon’ is big, loud and stupid.” I agree with those adjectives, but I put a positive spin on all three.

It’s big. Those chunks of rock that precede the Texas-sized asteroid strike the entire world (although, of course, it’s only Americans who have the tech and know-how to save it). Harry Stamper – take a moment to love that name – claims “I have never missed a depth that I have aimed for!” And we believe him, because he’s not just a driller, he’s a larger-than-life movie hero.

It’s loud. The volume is at the discretion of the person controlling the remote, but “Armageddon” – replete with Trevor Rabin’s soaring, lump-in-your-throat strings and Steve Tyler’s shrieking “Don’t wanna close my eyes” vocals – is certainly meant to be played loud.

It’s stupid. “Armageddon” is deliciously dumb. At one point, Stamper’s team has to defuse a bomb on the Texas-sized asteroid, and they are sweating over which wire to cut. In his review, Roger Ebert pointed out that the writers forgot that this isn’t a terrorist bomb; it’s the government’s own bomb, so they shouldn’t have to resort to cutting wires.

In the world of director Michael Bay and his six credited screenwriters (you gotta love that it took a half-dozen people to write this movie), the only way to win back your family’s affection is to save the world (“That’s not a salesman – that’s your daddy”).

Why is there only one cosmonaut on the Russian space station? For obvious reasons, long-term space stays require at least two people. Why did Stamper even bring Rockhound on the mission? He doesn’t contribute anything but wisecracks. And it would take a whole ’nother column to explain the problems with the movie’s science.

That Texas-sized asteroid was “a vicious, life-sucking b—- from which there is no escape,” and for many viewers, that could’ve described the movie, too. Yet I’ve never felt more alive watching a summer blockbuster.

“Talk about the wrong stuff,” one character says of the oil drillers. Nah – if you’re in the right mindset, this big, loud and stupid movie has exactly the right stuff.