‘The Fate of the Furious’ (2017) is epically dumb

Through the end of May, I’m looking back at the nine movies of the “Fast & Furious” franchise, watching most of them for the first time. Next up is the eighth movie, “The Fate of the Furious” (2017):

STRENGTHS

Conceptually, the franchise debut from director F. Gary Gray (Chris Morgan is still the writer) isn’t awful. For a while, “Fate” gets mileage out of the mystery of how Cipher is getting Dom (Vin Diesel) to do her evil bidding. The answer is logical (she threatens his infant son), if predictable. In the abstract, some shots are impressive, such as an under-the-ice POV of vehicles zipping along the frozen surface of the Russian Arctic sea.

WEAKNESSES

The animated version of “Fast & Furious” didn’t debut until 2019, but the cartoon version – this movie – came out two years earlier. “Fate” gradually revs up to the point where it can’t be taken seriously anymore. The last half-hour of non-stop action is one eye-rolling moment after another.

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COOLEST CHARACTER

Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson). It’s entertaining when he fights through an entire prison worth of guards, armed with only his muscles and an endless stream of one-liners. This is far removed from what “F&F” should be about, but it paves the way for the spinoff film “Hobbs & Shaw,” where hand-to-hand fighting might fit better.

WOMEN’S ROLE

Ramsey (Nathalie Emmanuel), in addition to still being a skilled computer programmer, is the object at stake in the rivalry between Tej (Ludacris) and Roman (Tyrese Gibson), although it’s underplayed. (It’d be nice to say they like her for her intelligence, but both make it clear they like her because she’s hot. Any commentary about the appeal of smart girls is immediately undermined.)

At any rate, neither of them knows her last name, so she brushes them both off. (In their defense, not even IMDB knows Ramsey’s last name. Or maybe Ramsey is her last name. Hmm.) Elena (Elsa Pataky), Dom’s former lover and a former cop, is entirely in the damsel-in-distress role throughout this film; Letty (Michelle Rodriguez), by contrast, is in her usual tough-gal mode.

VILLAIN

Cipher (Charlize Theron). The saga’s first female lead villain becomes increasingly annoying as “Fate” goes on. Strictly speaking, she’s the smartest villain of the series, as she expertly operates God’s Eye (the world’s best spy software, introduced in part seven) en route to capturing a nuclear submarine. The cyberterrorist’s goal – as stated to Dom — of serving as a check on national governments that step out of line is mildly intriguing, but it’s only words. Dom’s appraisal is correct: She’s psychotic.

TOO GOOD FOR THIS MOVIE

Helen Mirren as Magdelene Shaw. It’s baffling why Mirren is in this movie, playing the mother of the Shaw brothers. I suppose if we saw the house Mirren bought with her “Fate” paycheck it would make more sense.

MOST THRILLING SEQUENCE

The opening race in Havana showcases Dom’s gearhead skills, something that had only been implied before now. He quickly cobbles together a racecar out of an ancient body. Then he drives in backward across the finish line when the front end catches on fire. It’s edited clearly, and – despite being objectively silly — it’s honestly the most logical action sequence in the movie.

THAT’S RIDICULOUS

Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russell) tells Hobbs that if he fails the EMP-acquisition mission, he’ll go to prison and there’s nothing he can do to get him out. Soon after, he helps break him out by staging a prison riot, and by the end of the film, he gets Hobbs’ criminal record cleared.

Hobbs and Shaw (Jason Statham) hate each other’s guts up until Shaw points out that he is the British equivalent of Hobbs: They both have criminal records but that’s because they do top-secret jobs without their country’s official backing. Then they suddenly like each other. (Admittedly, I appreciate how they share a chuckle over Hobbs’ latest quip: “I’m gonna knock your teeth so far down your throat you’re gonna stick a toothbrush up your ass to brush them.”)

Cipher and her team hack into the on-board computers of a bunch of vehicles in New York, at one point “making it rain” by driving cars off the side of tall parking garages. Parking garages usually have concrete, rather than glass, barriers along the sides to prevent such a thing.

I’m hesitant to label God’s Eye and the rapid-fire hacking as ridiculous, because someday it’ll probably seem prophetic. This movie’s portrayal of high technology is rooted in modern concerns such as mass spying, remote hacking and the computerization of cars. Still, at this point in time, this is science fiction, and “F&F” hasn’t been a sci-fi series until now.

Dom (under Cipher’s orders) uses the EMP to wipe out the Russian separatist naval base’s electronics. It has no effect on the electronics in the cars of Dom or the nearby hero team. Soon after, the movie completely forgets the EMP attack happened, and the base’s electronics work.

Hobbs crashes his tank into an enemy’s mobile missile platform with exactly the right timing and angle so each missile hits a vehicle of the enemy fleet head-on.

Cipher, via God’s Eye and her expertise in using it, knows everything she needs to know, immediately. But she forgets to keep an eye on her own plane, and Shaw sneaks aboard and retrieves Dom’s son. In a better crafted movie, this might’ve played as irony.

Dom names his son Brian, as if in memoriam to his best friend. But Brian O’Connor is alive, so this could prove confusing.

CHEESIEST DIALOGUE

Dom: “Move.”

Rhodes: “Say it again.”

Dom: “If I say it again, it’ll be to a corpse.”

FAMILY VALUES

Cipher exploits Dom’s family values by holding his infant son and Elena hostage (as if such a scheme would only work on Dom).

FINAL THOUGHTS/EXPECTATIONS

I guess some people are into this cartoon-style action, but I gotta think “Fate” left a lot of people in the dust, like the previous film did for me. But this one is a step even beyond that. Unfortunately, the filmmakers are more enthralled with Cipher than I am, as they basically promise she’ll be back in 2021’s “F9.” I won’t be, unless I hear that it makes a nice recovery in quality from this entry. Hobbs and Shaw have decent banter, though, so I’m not totally dreading checking out their 2019 spinoff.

Schedule of reviews:

Saturday, May 16: “The Fast and the Furious” (2001)

Sunday, May 17: “2 Fast 2 Furious” (2003)

Wednesday, May 20: “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” (2006)

Thursday, May 21: “Fast & Furious” (2009)

Saturday, May 23: “Fast Five” (2011)

Sunday, May 24: “Fast & Furious 6” (2013)

Wednesday, May 27: “Furious 7” (2015)

Thursday, May 28: “The Fate of the Furious” (2017)

Saturday, May 30: “Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw” (2019)