‘Don’t Drink the Water’ adapted poorly (1969) and, well, better (1994)

Before Woody Allen gained enough clout to write and direct his own work, he saw some of it in the hands of other filmmakers – mostly to his distress. This is why he remade 1969’s “Don’t Drink the Water” – a mishandled adaptation of his 1966 play – for television in 1994.

1969 version

Some recognizable Allen traits

Before we get to that, let’s look at the original, directed by Howard Morris with a screenplay by R.S. Allen (no relation) and Harvey Bullock (not the “Batman” character – although the film does include one odd “Batman” reference).

“Don’t Drink the Water” starts off like homework, as with the other pre-“Annie Hall” films except the masterful “Play It Again, Sam” (which Allen wrote but didn’t direct). Early on, it’s pleasantly watchable, with recognizably Allen-esque one-liners about daily annoyances and politics: “Your broad outlook would appeal to everyone from psychotic liberals to militant fascists – something for everyone.”

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The zingers come within broad setups, and the setups come within the broader premise of a New Jersey caterer’s family being mistaken for American spies in Vulgaria, a country behind the Iron Curtain. Jackie Gleason is father Walter Hollander, Estelle Parsons is mother Marion and Joan Delaney is daughter Susan.

The problem with “DDTW” is not that the actors don’t know they’re in a comedy. They very much do: Gleason lightens his “Honeymooners” shtick only slightly and Delaney’s wide-eyed reactions remind me of later work by Julie Hagerty. Ted Bessell adds pratfall skills as Axel, the good-hearted idiot son of the American ambassador.

Too leisurely

“DDTW” gets steadily worse, largely because the writers and director don’t know this is a comedy. They’re intent on reminding us of the serious stakes of the American family being stuck at the embassy. It would be like if “The Naked Gun” pounded home the scheme to kill the queen or if “Dumb and Dumber” was hyper-focused on Mary’s briefcase.

In great comedies, the plot is a structure to build jokes upon. It can be mundane or ridiculous; what matters is that the gags are funny. In “DDTW,” too much time elapses between funny stuff, even though it’s 100 percent a comedy (at least in Allen’s vision).

At 100 minutes, it’s too long for an Allen comedy even if it was tightly constructed. It feels far too long with the leisurely scene construction. For an example of a long scene that’s never funny: Walter picks up a bomb thrown through the embassy window by protestors. The “humor” begins when Walter doesn’t realize it’s a bomb (even though it’s the most obvious bomb ever, perhaps an error by the prop department). And it gets less funny from there.

There’s also annoying editing wherein we see little snapshot flashbacks and inline cuts. For example, the Hollander family is surrounded by Vulgarian soldiers, and the dad’s vision zooms in on a gun barrel. And in the pre-credits montage, the editor tries to establish the Hollanders’ multi-stop journey by showing repeated packing. But because they’re wearing the same clothes and in the same hotel room, it comes off as unclear and/or cheap.

“DDTW” would be tolerable if it was a community theater production I was being paid to attend. As a wide-release motion picture, it asks us to sit through too-flat material for too long.

1994 version

Fixing the mistake

Allen’s untitled next film is already being touted as his 50^th as a director, but that’s because the count artificially leaves out 1994’s “Don’t Drink the Water,” apparently because it was made for TV. (The tally likewise doesn’t include the anthology “New York Stories,” on which he is one of three directors.)

Although this is Allen’s definitive version of the material, this remake is overlooked. In my Woody Wednesdays project, I found all his films streaming over the past two years (having to rent only a couple), except this one. Fortunately, it was released on DVD, and I found it for about $10.

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Again, I went into this film thinking it would be enjoyable homework. This time it mostly is. It’s neat to see how Allen improves upon the original by correcting the mistakes I mentioned above. He smartly focuses on Michael J. Fox’s Axel, then brings in the Hollanders (Allen himself, “The Simpsons’ ” Julie Kavner and a cute “Blossom”-era Mayim Bialik).

Earlier in 1994, “Bullets Over Broadway” came out; I my review, I noted how the long, staged takes are often unappealing. They come off better in “DDTW ’94” because this was originally a play.

But again, it lurches to the end

That said, I wouldn’t be surprised if “DDTW ’94” has the shortest production schedule of an Allen film. On a couple occasions, I think Bialik and Fox flub lines and recover within the scene.

In their awkward/flirty meeting in Axel’s embassy office, Susan asks about Axel’s fiancée and he reminds her she’s the one with the fiancée. She says she must be drinking too much. If that’s a scripted line, it’s not good; if it’s an in-scene recovery by the actors, it’s great.

The Susan-Axel relationship is the film’s strength, and Allen could’ve pushed it from good to great if he had kept the focus on them in the chaotic third act. Because the ’94 film is more competently made than the ’69 version, it’s clearer now: Allen doesn’t come up with a good way to end the romp.

While the Susan-Axel marriage does put a bow on things, it would’ve been nice if Allen had taken one page from the original film – the secret passageway between their rooms. Sexier comedy between the pair could’ve been a winning final ingredient.

“DDTW ’94” is frontloaded with good material, but by the end I barely cared what was going on; running jokes like the emir’s harem and the bad magician (Dom DeLuise) aren’t particularly funny. Granted, almost everything is done better here than in “DDTW ’69.” But it’s mediocre by Allen’s standards. Although adapted decades later, it represents a time when he was still working on his form.

1969 film: 2 stars

1994 film: 3 stars

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