You see a decent teen comedy and think “It looks easy to make one of those.” Then you see a bad one and realize it’s not so easy. “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” (2004) has Lindsay Lohan, Alison Pill, colorful high school theater sets, New York street scenes and the classic “trying to get to the concert” plot … yet it’s still bad.
Poorly written and flatly directed, “Drama Queen” is more fizzle than sizzle — disappointing considering the promise of the title and the catchiness of the eponymous song, which most viewers will have heard before embarking on the full film. The movie doesn’t have much more plot or theme than the music video.
The broad idea is that Lohan’s self-named Lola Cep (actually named Mary; last named for some bizarre reason pronounced “Step”) is filled with self-confidence and a desire to be popular. Her confidence never takes a hit during the 89 minutes, even when Lola and bestie Ella (Pill) lose their cash and can’t get into the Sidarthur concert in New York City.
“Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” (2004)
Director: Sara Sugarman
Writers: Gail Parent (screenplay), Dyan Sheldon (novel)
Stars: Lindsay Lohan, Alison Pill, Megan Fox
Not much to confess
By the end, Lola is still confident and well-liked. Even though the title suggests Lola is confessing about the bad trait of being a drama queen, veteran screenwriter Gail Parent (working from a 1999 novel by Dyan Sheldon) only includes one bit of extreme behavior – her false story about her dad being dead, something that would (somehow) impress her New Jersey classmates. Not much of an arc, but Lola’s individualism is admirable, so I guess that’s good for young viewers.
We – like the girls – never see a Sidarthur concert, most likely because an arena full of extras isn’t in the budget. An original song by the fake band is, but it’s relegated to second billing over the credits. Lead singer Stu (Adam Garcia) plays out the “never meet your idols” cautionary tale of a drunkard, but it’s a pale shadow of anything from “Almost Famous” – or even “Empire Records.”
“Drama Queen” minimizes real-world alcoholism; Stu sobers up because he’s ashamed that his biggest fan sees him plastered. Oh, it’s that easy, huh? Lola, for her part, isn’t fazed; she says Stu’s poetic lyrics are enough, even if the writer is a drunkard. Not a bad message there, admittedly.
Director Sara Sugarman probably wants her film to be a music-laden pastiche of teen experiences as the girls “find themselves” (as per the title song’s lyrics) amid a mean-streets romp. If funnier and flashier, it could’ve been something like “Get Over It” (2001), which is likewise centered on a high school musical.
In “Drama Queen’s” case, it’s “Eliza Rocks!,” a fresh take on “Pygmalion” envisioned by theater director Miss Baggoli (Carol Kane, desperately trying but failing to add flavor).
Not much drama
But Sugarman needs somewhat of a plot to hang the adventure on, and Parent can only give her this: Reigning school queen Carla (Megan Fox, never blander) claims that Lola wasn’t at Stu’s after-party, even though Lola was there. This is a weak scheme by Carla, and also it’s weak that Lola’s main interest in attending the party is that everyone will know she was there.
At any rate, it’s hard to believe any classmates care one way or another – certainly if this were a real school, and even more so within the film. We never get a sense that anyone cares to loft either of the girls up to popular status. This seems like a quite civil learning environment – possibly the least-heightened high school of teen cinema from this era.
Carla (leader of recycled Plastics) and Lola are rivals for the role of Eliza, but Parent and Sugarman oddly don’t try to wring drama from this. We see Lola’s singing audition, she’s good, and she gets the role. We don’t even see Carla’s audition! Is it possible Fox wasn’t good enough to even do such a scene?
OK, well at least the “Eliza Rocks!” performance will be a showstopper, right? Not really. The production and costume design are vibrant – providing the confectionary flavor needed for trailers and posters — but the two numbers are just OK, and they are cut down from full-length.
As with every pseudo-dramatic thread of the narrative, we don’t get a full follow-through of songs and dance choreography. “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” never does find itself.