I probably would’ve liked “Anaconda” (2025) if it had come out eight years earlier to coincide with the 20th anniversary of the film it’s riffing on, 1997’s “Anaconda.” 2017 was the year “Amityville: The Awakening” took place in a reality where the “Amityville” movies and books exist.
“Anaconda” ’25’s similarly cheeky premise is now shopworn. Middle-aged friends Jack Black, Paul Ruud, Steve Zahn and Thandiwe Newton liked “Anaconda” ’97 and the idea of going into filmmaking. But their dreams were generally not realized – Ruud’s Griff is a struggling L.A. actor and Black’s Doug is a wedding-video producer who doth protest too much about how he’s perfectly content.
The setup is reasonably appealing, as Griff gains the rights to the “Anaconda” franchise through a fluke and they agree to go to the Amazon to shoot a cheap legacy sequel. Then “A25” proceeds to … never really proceed.
“Anaconda” (2025)
Director: Tom Gormican
Writers: Tom Gormican, Kevin Etten
Stars: Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Steve Zahn
Ironically, although “A25” can’t have been cheap due to this cast, it must’ve been pretty cheap on the technical side. It’s not much of a snake-attack adventure, or even a looming snake-attack adventure. Instead, it’s a hang-a-lampshade comedy, and – although I know no film would actually put actors in danger – it always seems like Rudd, Black and company are on a working vacation. It’s the only reason I can think why a classy actress like Newton would sign on. The best characters are off to the side: Selton Mello’s snake handler and Daniela Melchior’s woman on the run from illegal gold miners.
Several scenes find the amateur filmmakers enjoying a somehow-nice meal on their conveniently nice boat (which they’ve accidentally stolen, somehow without consequence) and mapping out their movie. Though Doug is supposed to be passionate about film – having made the horror short “The Quatch” as a kid – scripters Tom Gormican (who also directs) and Kevin Etten include no filmmaking details aside from the crew discussing how good films should have “themes.”
Not a snake charmer
Black’s characters in “The Holiday” and “King Kong” have forgotten more about filmmaking than Doug has ever known. But that’s not the intended joke. When “The Anaconda” gets shown at the Buffalo Film Fest, we’re supposed to believe the crowd is entertained rather than saddened by a middle-aged video professional with no actual talent.
It would be inaccurate to say the jokes from Gormican and Etten never land, because in isolation there are good bits. It’s amusing how Zahn’s Kenny is “Buffalo sober,” meaning he’s a functioning drunk, and his inability to pee in public leads to a good gag of scatological humor. Things get interestingly dark when it seems one of the group has been killed and they must use the corpse in strategic fashion to trick the anaconda.
It’s not quite what it seems. This is one of those modern horror films where every not-awful person with a line of dialog must survive, because test audiences say so. And where Sony/Columbia is making fun of its own property, but not to a point where they risk damaging it.
When discussing this movie’s existence, my friend and I chuckled over the fact that there are five previous “Anaconda” films. (They all rate below 5 on IMDb, even the cult-classic O.G.) It could’ve been an easy gag to reveal that this quartet of “Anaconda” ’97 fans doesn’t know about the four sequels.
Because of the cast and attendant exposure, “Anaconda” ’25 is known. But it’s a shame it won’t be known for being good.