‘A Christmas Story Christmas’ won’t be a classic like the original

“A Christmas Story Christmas” (HBO Max), the first “A Christmas Story” sequel to see Peter Billingsley return as Ralphie Parker, drops visual references to the 1983 original so much that the closing credits feature side-by-side comparisons. Riffing from a great film would not seem to be a bad idea.

Here, it is. I watched “A Christmas Story” right before it, and every time “A Christmas Story Christmas” calls back to it, I thought: “It was done so much better the first time.” Since the new one is as slow-paced as the original, I also had time to think about why it is inferior.

The Old Man and the leg lamp

“A Christmas Story” is great for two reasons: One is Darren McGavin (“Kolchak: The Night Stalker”). From a kid’s POV, he’s the scary dad who we think is going to “kill” Ralphie for getting into a schoolyard fight, but of course he actually isn’t. As we realize as an adult viewer, The Old Man is a good, warm-hearted guy; he’s just beat down by life.

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Viewing “CS” at any age, my heart always goes out to The Old Man for how much he loves that leg lamp and for how heartbroken he is when Mrs. Parker (Melinda Dillon) “accidentally” (?) breaks it. And when his turkey gets mauled by the neighbor dogs. Never before or since has “Sons of bitches!” been bellowed with such heartache.

Directed by Bob Clark – who also helmed the horror classic “Black Christmas” – “CS” is a slow burn, usually a bad idea for a comedy. But the laughs are perfectly placed, the 1940s vibe is real in every way (including that pacing) and the kids’ POV is spot-on.

As a kid, everything’s life or death

That, in fact, is my second reason for “A Christmas Story’s” greatness. The screenplay from Jean Shepherd (author of the source novel), Leigh Brown and Clark himself is a little Rockwellian. Granted, it has some edge via The Old Man’s swearing and the persistent middle-school bullies, plus jokes that can’t be made anymore about Arabs and Chinese.

But Clark knows when to go over-the-top. The highlight is the mall Santa’s sinister “Ho-ho-ho!” capped by pushing Ralphie down the chute with his boot. “CS” drifts from literal to surreal here, but the childhood emotions are real. Indeed, the Ralphie performance is actually a tag-team between Billingsley as the adorable 9-year-old and Shepherd himself – narrating from an older, wiser future.

I’m not saying anything critics haven’t thought of before in analyzing why “CS” has become a timeless classic. But is “CS” just a slice of life at the holidays? I think it’s a little more than that.

I point to the scene of Ralphie beating the living sh** out of his bully, Scut Farkus (an on-point Zack Ward), and more importantly, what happens afterward. Nothing happens afterward. This is a movie where Ralphie saying “f***” results in multiple instances of child abuse – Ralphie being force-fed soap and Ralphie’s friend (wrongly accused of teaching Ralphie the word) getting beat up by his mom.

But Ralphie doesn’t get in trouble, from his parents or from the school, for beating up Farkus. It couldn’t be said out loud by the authority figures, but “A Christmas Story’s” big message is: “Good for you, Ralphie.” 1940s adults had flaws in their parenting techniques, but they knew that bullies needed to be beaten at their own game.

Most of the cast returns

“A Christmas Story” has aged well. But the brand-new “A Christmas Story Christmas” (which I’ll label “CS3”) isn’t not going to age much better than 2012’s “A Christmas Story 2,” which has none of the original cast and was poorly reviewed. I suppose this is the definitive sequel since Billingsley and many others reprise their roles.

The absence of Dillon is unfortunate (although comedy veteran Julie Hagerty is fine). Still, when one looks at the ever-changing casts throughout the eight films of the Parker Family Saga, I can see why this one has the most buzz.

But, coming from a story in part by Billingsley himself, “CS3” isn’t good. First and obviously, there’s no McGavin, since he died in 2006. The Old Man is the absent center – with Ralph trying to put on as good of a holiday experience for his own kids — but boy do we feel grandpa’s absence.

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Secondly, when 50-something Ralphie unnecessarily narrates his own thoughts in present time, it makes him seem like a slow-thinking milquetoast. The film wants Ralph to be a perpetual youngster whose mind is always spinning, but it fails to achieve this.

Tame and timid

More specifically, “CS3” doesn’t ever go amusingly over-the-top with its humor, nor is there an occasion where that would be warranted. It’s a veritable hell of tameness and timidity.

I knew from the credits that Ward returns as Farkus. A few minutes into the film, it’s obvious this ex-middle-school bully will be totally reformed when he makes his appearance as an adult. “CS3” is treacly in that telegraphed way.

The movie’s consistent timidity shows via the snowmobiling bullies who pick on Ralph’s kids during their Christmas vacation at the old Parker family home in Indiana. Their faces are covered in ski masks; they aren’t characters. The film doesn’t want them to be; there’s no room for villains or scares here, unless they are vague.

One big set piece finds Schwartz challenging Flick (both actors return from the original) with a triple-dog dare to take a sled off a ski jump. It’s remarkable how there’s no tension to it. I thought “He’ll land in the snow and be fine,” and that’s what happens.

That sequence also calls to mind “Christmas Vacation,” as does the oversized Christmas tree that barely fits in the living room, as does Ralph’s arc as the earnest dad. At least we see a variety of superior Christmas films get referenced. Now I’m going to watch all of them to wash “A Christmas Story Christmas” out of my brain.

“A Christmas Story”: 4 stars

“A Christmas Story Christmas”: 2 stars