Remember that scene from “Election” when Tammy Metzler steps up to the podium and encourages the student body to just vote for whoever they want to, or better yet, don’t vote at all? You should, because it was the best scene in that movie.
Anyway, “I Love You, Beth Cooper” also gets mileage from speechifying. Denis Cooverman’s (Paul Rust) opening valedictory speech is a launching pad for a comedy that’s unfortunately pretty standard, although it will hold your attention. But what a great speech. Denis has loved Beth Cooper (Hayden Panettiere; is it disturbing that I can spell her name without looking it up?) since he sat in the desk behind her in seventh grade. But, like a typical high school boy with a secret crush, he never said anything. Until he tells the whole school: “I love you, Beth Cooper.”
Also in the speech, he points out things he doesn’t care for about other classmates. And most of them — like the roided-up military-school thug who Beth is dating — turn out to fit Denis’ descriptions when we get to know them. That aspect of the movie — like the clichéd, unbelievably violent chase scenes between Denis and The Boyfriend — is a little disappointing.
But there is one nice twist. Beth — the real, actual human being — isn’t the girl of Denis’ dreams. “You’re not Beth Cooper,” he says under his breath at one point after she kisses Samm Levine from “Freaks and Geeks” to score some booze. She’s not as pure as snow; she has problems of her own. Then it gets a little clichéd again: Beth’s problem is being overly popular (boo-hoo, right?). Usually, when a guy says he loves her, he wants something from her. She could tell Denis was being genuine, and that gives her a confidence boost.
And Beth gives Denis that wild “last night of high school” ride he craves, but that we as viewers have seen in other, better movies (most recently, “Superbad”). In fact, my own last night of high school — playing bingo until 4 a.m. in a locked building and watching girls perform “Macarena” moves in a gym-turned-club — was almost as noteworthy. When the writers keep playing up the fact that Beth’s a bad driver, you know they’re stretching. When Beth and Denis and Denis’ best friend and two of Beth’s gal pals pull up to a house party, or a family cabin or the darkened school, it seems like they’re doing it by rote memory of what you’re supposed to do on the last night of high school. There’s nothing organic about this journey, like there is in “Nick and Norah” or “American Graffiti.”
The actors are likable enough. I was already a fan of Hayden (we’re on a first name basis) — I watched one-and-a-half seasons of the pretty terrible “Heroes” mainly for her. Rust doesn’t look like he belongs in a glossy teen movie, and that’s why it’s good casting. Jack Carpenter, as maybe-gay best bud Rich, has a Jay Baruchel quality about him.
Also, whenever someone says a clichéd movie line — like The Boyfriend telling Denis “Prepare to die!” — Rich immediately cites what movie — and the director and year of release — the person is inadvertently quoting from (“The Princess Bride,” in this case).
This tactic helps “Beth Cooper” a little, but doesn’t save it. Not even Hayden can do that. It has its moments, but overall, it’s not a night to remember.